After playing pick up for over four hours with Jayda, I spent yesterday with the girls of the V clan, my three younger sisters & my mom. We laughed and fought and yelled and talked… it was great. I’ve always been sentimental about these things but yesterday fitting into a small car with all 5 of us, getting Rita’s & listening to music, I really realized how much I’m going to miss my girls.
Missing my mom is a given, but she’s such a goofball, I’ll miss laughing with the rest of my siblings at her silliness. We may fight and butt heads a lot, but it’s only because we are so similar. She has a language of her own that I had to learn the hard way, but at least now I am multilingual thanks to her. Many a thing I know I owe to her, & I will miss her like crazy when I’m away.(;
Destiny is growing up way too fast! Going into the 5th grade, when I am done with college she will be a young woman. With charisma & talent beyond comprehension, she never fails to show me how it’s done. I don’t want to miss any of the many things I know she will accomplish in these years to come.
Trinity is such a unique girl. I get anxiety thinking that I won’t be there to take some of the hard hits for her at home and comfort her through the emotional instability that is being a teenager. I see a lot of myself in her & I know how hard it is not to have someone who really understands, and I won’t be around as often for her. She’s a smart, growing girl and I will think about her often when I’m away.
& last but certainly not least, my best friend, Jayda. I cannot begin to explain how much I am going to miss this crazy girl. With the body of 12 year old boy, the mind of a 25 year old since birth, and the sense of humor of a 7 year old, this old soul is responsible for a lot of who I am today even if she is younger than me. She is so bright and talented and has so much potential, I know that high school is going to be big for her. Thinking about not being there with her for it all, every up and down of it, breaks my heart. But I have full confidence that God has equipt her well and will see her through, to infinity & beyond.
& yesterday it kind of hit me all at once. Aside from being scared for them and what the future has for them, I’m really more worried about myself! I mean, how in the WORLD am I going to live without them!? ♥ even if I am only two hours away, it’ll feel like a lifetime being apart from them.
I’m in such a place where even I was about to stop and call myself a fake and a hypocrite, but I’ve come to realize that I’m just young and naive. I’m 17. I haven’t come to a point where who I am is consistent enough to contradict myself. Slowly but surely, each phase, each opinion that I no longer support, each obsession I cringe thinking about, I’ve taken a little bit out of every experience and I have only just begun to feel somewhat of a consistency in myself as the heat of the moment melts me down to my very core, where I am left to be nothing but what God has made me to be.
In short, any opinion about my inconsistency is your own, but if you think you know who I am and wish to have an opinion based on a personality that hasn’t yet developed, then that’s in your own naivity. All I know about myself is that I am a child of God, human and imperfect, but special and unique. Otherwise, I am changing every day, no matter how much I crave consistency. I am not and never will be perfect, but I am always and forever will be growing. ♥
I am a block of clay and my Creator is using life to scrape away the parts that at the moment are apart of me, but only are there to slowly and magically reveal the me inside the clay. Only in His time will that happen. All the while, through every stage, I am on display for people to critique and graze as they come by, leaving their love marks on me, coming and going as He pleases. What I look like at the moment is only what I am at this exact second. It is unique to how I once have looked and ever will look again in the future, for His hands are always at work, even when I don’t know it. All the while, no matter how strange or deformed I may look to the world at one point, I know that I am a masterpiece in the making, one of a kind, and to Him I am beautiful.
Blessed are those who can see through the clay and to the core piece the Great Artist loves in each and every one of us.
But, I’m back! I had been using my Facebook to vent and I realized that I do not want to be that girl and so I have returned to the comforts of my blog. However, due to lack of space on my phone, I no longer have room for the Tumblr app (or any other app for that mattter). So, to vent will be difficult but since I will be up at Biola I am hoping that I will be kept busy and always by a tablet or laptop with sufficient Wifi.